Nightmares

 I've mentioned a few times before about how thankful Robin and I are that she is the one going through this, vice one of the kids. Not that anyone is ever thankful for cancer, but it is less bad I guess, but either way, it's not one of the kids.

 One of the guys I work with was blessed enough for his daughter to have a pretty nice malignant brain tumor.
I believe she is right around Meg's age, and she is being treated down in Hershey. So, everyone, if you could, keep them in your prayers. Also, if you can, and would like to, I have information about how to donate to a fund we have put together for him and his family. I know they are spending over 30 dollars a day in gas, plus copays and everything else that I am sure they are racking up.

 So, perhaps something a little more temporal would be just as helpful to them as praying. So, like I said, if you are interested, contact me on facebook or here, and I will guide you in the right direction. Either way, keep Tim and his family in your prayers.

 On our end, we are doing well. Robin has a hysterectomy, and I am apparently dealing with a slight case of depression and anxiety, and Meg and I are both bandaged up from slipping on the ice. (She sprained her wrist, and I think my knee has finally stopped bleeding.) I hate winter.

Spring is coming... someday.

Recovering

 It appears we are now in the recovery process. Robin will still have another 5 rounds of chemotherapy, countless sessions of chest wall radiation treatments, and then reconstruction.

 Oh, and a hysterectomy too. But after that, that should be it for a while.

 So, we still have a long road ahead, but we are moving in the right direction. The more people I talk to whose lives have been touched by cancer, the more I see how important it is to stay strong for one another. Having family around for support is invaluable also.

 I know the people who have helped us with the kids have been invaluable. It is just an amazing difficulty logistically to get back and forth to all of these treatments, but we have made it this far with all the help.

Hopefully though, things will be fairly clear from now on.

The Aftermath

 Sorry it has been a while since an update, but I just didn't feel like writing lately.

 The surgery day was rough, as it was a long surgery, but we made it through. The hardest part for me was walking in once Robin was awake, dealing with a less than stellar nurse and having to deal with the sudden change.
  You have those days when you realize that everything is going to be different. This was one of those. Having children and horrific injuries will both change your life permanently, albeit in different ways.
 It was a few days of suffering at the hospital, but then Robin got to come home.

 The most difficult thing in this whole process is not actually being able to help with anything. As a husband, you get used to being able to influence things, and protect your family.

 With Cancer, it isn't an option. I have to watch my wife suffer, physically and mentally, and there isn't anything I can really do about it.

 But, to quote from 'The Life of Brian', we are trying to look on the bright side of life. It could have been one of the kids.

There's that at least.

it's about that time

This morning brings us sitting here at the house, waiting to go to the Hospital. All in all, I think we are both numb at this point. More than anything, it is that feeling of resigned acceptance of how it has to be.

 Because it is better than the other option. At least, though, from what everyone has said, the Surgeon that Robin has is nigh godlike in his abilities. They said he waves his hand, and the next you look he is holding lymph nodes.

 But, this is one of those days that I can't comprehend 'after'. These days come and go, but they always accompany your life changing events. And it is just hard to wrap your mind around your life afterwards.

 So here we go, still relatively bitter about being here in the first place, but at least we are moving towards healing...

Beginning the healing

 Sorry for the lack of posts lately,
 I don't really have an excuse.

 We are a few days out from Robin's mastectomy now, but in a strange way,
it is kind of a good feeling. Not that the result you want from something is to have
a part of yourself removed, as that is a terrible outcome, but it is better than death.

 So, in the scheme of things, maiming is better than dead.

 At least reconstruction works out pretty well these days.

 That brings up an interesting series of thoughts. Most people don't even really
want to talk about reconstruction, because many people don't want to talk about
breasts. If the woman talks about wanting her breasts back after a mastectomy,
she is vain.

 Hell's Bells if the man talks about it... But, it is a valid thought. A woman's breasts
are part of her identity. I imagine it would be somewhat like cutting off my nose. I
could have it rebuilt, but I wouldn't ever see me in the mirror.

 We will get through this together, though. The surgery will happen, and, happily, they said the
recovery isn't that bad.

 They will cut out the cancer, and the healing will begin.

Revelations

 Well, the tumor hasn't shrunk at all. In fact, it grew slightly. Good thing, by looking on the internet, we discovered that most doctors go to surgery first. Too bad ours didn't. Also, it turns out that lymph nodes don't usually indicate in this cancer. It just decides to show up.

 So now we hope and pray, for all that will do. Maybe then, God will heal my wife, for His glory. She will be disfigured, and have gone through unimaginable suffering, but hey, it's how it goes.

 I have made it a point to praise God during every low point in my life, because I was trying to be truly thankful for everything. Even when I lost my job contracting, because I told the truth all day long, but they didn't like my polygraph results. I hated that job anyway.

 Then I was like, "hey, I didn't get that job so I could be here to be with Robin through all of this," and that gave me some comfort. Until this morning anyway, when we realized there was a good chance for this to go badly. But then again, going well at this point is a double mastectomy.

 Of course, another way for this to work out would be Robin not having cancer at all. That would have worked too.

 I guess the feeling that I'm left with is that God smiting Robin for His glory is His option, because He is God. But it is a shitty thing to do. In Job, we learned that sometimes God gives people strife, so they will come closer to Him.

 I don't hit my children so they will love me more. I don't hit them so they will love me more when I stop.

Too bad God didn't decide to give the cancer that all the good people out there are suffering with to my inmates. I would pull a John Coffey and take it, and then pass it out to my inmates.

 Life just isn't fair. Because it just isn't.

 So I will still try to pray, even though I am angry and I don't expect any outcome better than pain and suffering.

 Oh, and my first pet died today, so that helped too. But he was old and at least he isn't suffering anymore.

But I will pray.

Crossroads and Resolutions

 Tomorrow is Robin's fourth round of Chemo. It may or may not have an effect. The next course may or may not have an effect. Luckily, her normal oncologist won't be there, and we will be seeing one of the PA's. Hrm.

 The surgeon had said he wanted to consult with the other doctors for a while to determine the next step, but we don't really like the time that is elapsing without hearing things. We think it is probably time to move forward.

 I don't see the point in trying to decide, especially since one of the oncologists told us that Robin wouldn't make it through this without at least a mastectomy. Maybe now is the time to move ahead and get a step closer towards healing.

 Especially since it's my wife that is hanging in the balance here, and I don't have it in me to tell my kids their mom isn't coming home. I always accepted that with being in the Marines, and with my current job I might not come home some day, but that's part of the job.

 It isn't part of the deal for Robin. Moms aren't supposed to get this end of the deal. So I think we will be asking to look at surgery sooner rather than later...