Hello everyone,
I haven't posted in a while. Everything has been kind of a whirlwind with Robin doing her Radiation and everything, but now that's over. I just didn't have the drive to write then. Terrible case of ennui.
You might have noticed if you are on my Facebook, that Robin went to the ER the other day with horrible back pain. We (and the Doctors) were worried that she had thrown a blood clot or something, which thank God she hadn't. It turned out to be some deep muscle spasms.
We did get some scans done while we were there, and it looks like the Mets in her lung have spread. I guess they were seeing little stuff all over in there. And she has a bump starting on the right side of her skull now. Since she hadn't hit her head, they are just going to assume it's cancer, thince she already has some bone mets.
But, She also started her chemo again yesterday. Her Oncology team is really at bat right now, and they seem to have a plan ready to go right now. They are going to be hitting this hard, so now we just have to hold on and ride it out.
So, here we are. It is serious. I was starting to get really depressed with all this the past couple day, but then I realized that we haven't even started this part of the fight. God is still in control of this, and as long as we can still fight this, we will. As long as there is the possibility of hope, we will hope.
Like Master Yoda said, "Always in motion the future is."
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
A Farewell to a Brother
I am going a little bit off topic tonight, so you will have to forgive me for that. Before I go though, I just want to let everyone know that Robin started the radiation on her hips today, 10 rounds total, both hips each time. Tomorrow she is getting another unit of blood and some iron to help her through this recovery and moving through this radiation. Chemo (again) and more Radiation on the lungs will come after.
Now, on to my side-track. I found out last night that one of my Brothers from my Marine Corps days died. Came right out of the blue, and totally unexpected. I hadn't talked to Joe in a few years, but when I heard about his passing, all of the memories came flooding back. That's one of the things about the military. Your friends are your friends forever. Sometimes you lose track of one another, and when you find each other again, you pick up where you left off.
Joe Weldon was an amazing man. I was lucky enough to know him well since we ended up in the same platoon in California, and we were in the same suite in Texas. Joe was one of those people who could always lighten the mood, no matter how serious it got.
He was a loyal friend, and dependable.
I don't even to where to start with memories. Running the Asilomar in California. Joe arguing with the chow hall lady in Texas whether or not it was safe for her to make him a tuna melt. I think she made him sign a waiver, since she thought it was unsafe.
Going all black ops to repaint the O-course wall at Goodfellow. (Recon was in his blood). Also, I'm pretty sure he drew on my face one time in Monterey. I can't say for sure he was to blame, but it looked like his handwriting.
I don't know what else I can really say. Joe was a great guy, and I am richer for having known him. I wish I hadn't lost track of him after Texas, and I would have liked to have gotten down to 2nd Radio and seen him.
We always think about those random phone calls, or emails we should make from time to time. We think about talking to that friend you haven't had contact with in a while. We always think.
We need to do.
Semper Fi, Joe. I'll miss you brother. You took up the watch on the Golden Streets.
The rest of us will be along after a while.
Now, on to my side-track. I found out last night that one of my Brothers from my Marine Corps days died. Came right out of the blue, and totally unexpected. I hadn't talked to Joe in a few years, but when I heard about his passing, all of the memories came flooding back. That's one of the things about the military. Your friends are your friends forever. Sometimes you lose track of one another, and when you find each other again, you pick up where you left off.
Joe Weldon was an amazing man. I was lucky enough to know him well since we ended up in the same platoon in California, and we were in the same suite in Texas. Joe was one of those people who could always lighten the mood, no matter how serious it got.
He was a loyal friend, and dependable.
I don't even to where to start with memories. Running the Asilomar in California. Joe arguing with the chow hall lady in Texas whether or not it was safe for her to make him a tuna melt. I think she made him sign a waiver, since she thought it was unsafe.
Going all black ops to repaint the O-course wall at Goodfellow. (Recon was in his blood). Also, I'm pretty sure he drew on my face one time in Monterey. I can't say for sure he was to blame, but it looked like his handwriting.
I don't know what else I can really say. Joe was a great guy, and I am richer for having known him. I wish I hadn't lost track of him after Texas, and I would have liked to have gotten down to 2nd Radio and seen him.
We always think about those random phone calls, or emails we should make from time to time. We think about talking to that friend you haven't had contact with in a while. We always think.
We need to do.
Semper Fi, Joe. I'll miss you brother. You took up the watch on the Golden Streets.
The rest of us will be along after a while.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Holding On to Hope
Yesterday I purged my fears and my anger. Sometimes, it all boils over inside and just needs to be let out. Being a writer, this is where it ends up when I have to let it out. I'd actually apologize, but that would be disingenuous. This is just a part of how it works.
I'm letting go of my anger, asking God to take it from me and help me move past it. I have to remember that there are better things to hold on to. Such as hope.
We have hope, at least, that the Doctors can still do something through medicine. We hold onto the fact that God might still do something.
I need to remember to hold onto the light that is in my life, and not focus only on the bleak.
So I chose to hold onto hope.
I'm letting go of my anger, asking God to take it from me and help me move past it. I have to remember that there are better things to hold on to. Such as hope.
We have hope, at least, that the Doctors can still do something through medicine. We hold onto the fact that God might still do something.
I need to remember to hold onto the light that is in my life, and not focus only on the bleak.
So I chose to hold onto hope.
A Cynic's Prayer
This title was a little bit more prosey than I have tended to be in this blog, but it reflects how I've been feeling lately. Robin has been recovering pretty well from her hip replacement, at least until yesterday. Her other leg started hurting a lot, and now we have to wonder if the other tumor has grown to the point where it is causing problems in that leg too. I hope not.
This brings us back around to the title. My only prayers lately have been: "Please God, heal Robin, and take away her pain." I don't think it's too much to ask, really. I'm not praying for wealth, or wisdom, or for my enemies to be defeated. I just want my wife to be well again. I want for us to be able to concentrate on getting ready for Meg starting middle school. I want to concentrate on Logan starting pre-school. I don't want to keep going over the scenario where I tell the kids that Mommy isn't coming home because she is with Jesus now.
God I don't have it in me to do that. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd suck start a pistol at this point in my life. I just want Robin to ,at the very least, not be in pain anymore. Gone are the prayers of a job I truly enjoy, owning our own home, having any type of things... We are purely in survival mode. I am only praying for my wife not to die.
I feel the worst for my mother-in-law and for my oldest daughter. For my mother in law, she is dealing with the one bright side in this for us. It isn't happening to one of our kids. For her, it's just that. Robin is her daughter, her baby, no matter what age she is.
For Meg, my heart breaks because no soon-to-be fifth grade should have to deal with this. Her life should be decorating her locker, dealing with mean middle school girls and finding out that some boys are cute. Waking up wondering if mommy feels good enough to make her breakfast isn't part of the deal.
I keep waking up every morning hoping one of two things: This is a dream, or I just didn't wake. The second one is purely selfish, because I am getting to the end of my rope. I realize the second one is me just raging, because I know I have to be here for my children, no matter what. Should it come to having to have a talk with them, I will find the reserves inside myself and do it, because they need me around. I don't want to, but life is a long string of doing things we don't want to do. It's duty, plain and simple.
I just pray it doesn't come to that.
I keep praying. Even though it has become the definition of insanity right now: "Doing something over and over and expecting different results." I guess that is where sanity crosses over into faith, however tenuous it might be.
Dear God,
Take me instead of my wife. I am damaged goods anyway. My children need a mother more anyway. Mothers are the ones who really make things better. Mothers are the ones who kiss away boo-boos. Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of children. If you have decided you have to take one of us, because you, in you mysterious an unknowable ways, have to kill one of my children's parents, than take me. Heal my wife. I'm really trying not to be mad at you, but you have been kind of a dick lately. You have brought a lot of support our way through the love of others who have empathy to what we are going through. You have placed the burden on the hearts of many people to reach out to us. A lot of people are praying, right now, for you to heal Robin. What's the deal. I accept that sometimes you say no, because you have to. But that's bullshit, you're God. You said no to a lot of other prayers before. All I wan't is for my wife to pull through. you already took her boobs, her uterus her hip and left her with a patchwork of scars. It makes her more beautiful to me because her strength shines through, but damn you for the pain. I accept what is. Sometimes, Buddhists were onto something. I accept what is, where we are, and that you have some kind of plan. But please heal Robin. And if you can't do that, than take me in her place.
-Amen
This brings us back around to the title. My only prayers lately have been: "Please God, heal Robin, and take away her pain." I don't think it's too much to ask, really. I'm not praying for wealth, or wisdom, or for my enemies to be defeated. I just want my wife to be well again. I want for us to be able to concentrate on getting ready for Meg starting middle school. I want to concentrate on Logan starting pre-school. I don't want to keep going over the scenario where I tell the kids that Mommy isn't coming home because she is with Jesus now.
God I don't have it in me to do that. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd suck start a pistol at this point in my life. I just want Robin to ,at the very least, not be in pain anymore. Gone are the prayers of a job I truly enjoy, owning our own home, having any type of things... We are purely in survival mode. I am only praying for my wife not to die.
I feel the worst for my mother-in-law and for my oldest daughter. For my mother in law, she is dealing with the one bright side in this for us. It isn't happening to one of our kids. For her, it's just that. Robin is her daughter, her baby, no matter what age she is.
For Meg, my heart breaks because no soon-to-be fifth grade should have to deal with this. Her life should be decorating her locker, dealing with mean middle school girls and finding out that some boys are cute. Waking up wondering if mommy feels good enough to make her breakfast isn't part of the deal.
I keep waking up every morning hoping one of two things: This is a dream, or I just didn't wake. The second one is purely selfish, because I am getting to the end of my rope. I realize the second one is me just raging, because I know I have to be here for my children, no matter what. Should it come to having to have a talk with them, I will find the reserves inside myself and do it, because they need me around. I don't want to, but life is a long string of doing things we don't want to do. It's duty, plain and simple.
I just pray it doesn't come to that.
I keep praying. Even though it has become the definition of insanity right now: "Doing something over and over and expecting different results." I guess that is where sanity crosses over into faith, however tenuous it might be.
Dear God,
Take me instead of my wife. I am damaged goods anyway. My children need a mother more anyway. Mothers are the ones who really make things better. Mothers are the ones who kiss away boo-boos. Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of children. If you have decided you have to take one of us, because you, in you mysterious an unknowable ways, have to kill one of my children's parents, than take me. Heal my wife. I'm really trying not to be mad at you, but you have been kind of a dick lately. You have brought a lot of support our way through the love of others who have empathy to what we are going through. You have placed the burden on the hearts of many people to reach out to us. A lot of people are praying, right now, for you to heal Robin. What's the deal. I accept that sometimes you say no, because you have to. But that's bullshit, you're God. You said no to a lot of other prayers before. All I wan't is for my wife to pull through. you already took her boobs, her uterus her hip and left her with a patchwork of scars. It makes her more beautiful to me because her strength shines through, but damn you for the pain. I accept what is. Sometimes, Buddhists were onto something. I accept what is, where we are, and that you have some kind of plan. But please heal Robin. And if you can't do that, than take me in her place.
-Amen
Sunday, July 17, 2011
True Love
So many times, we hear people talking about true love; True love conquers all, love is patient, love is kind.
How much do we really know about it? What are our thoughts on what it really entails?
When Robin and I were dating way back when, I never, NEVER, could have envisioned any of this. Then again, I didn't envision any of the ups and downs of our life until this point. I couldn't have imagined our children, the places we have lived and the people we had met.
I didn't realize that when we fought through everything, only to find this on the other side, that there we would also find the real meaning of love.
Love, when it comes to two people means many things. What it really means to me right now is as simple a thing as being there. Being there when it is hard. Being there and being strong when you don't want to be. Being there when all you really want to do is to shut life out, crawl back to your room and lock the door.
Love is being there watching someone sleep, just in case they might need you. Love is being there and holding their hand through everything, because that is the only thing you can do. There is nothing you can fight, there is nothing to kill, all you can do is to be the rock, be the physical thing to hold on to.
That's all we can do. Hold on and be strong. Be the best incarnation of perfect love we can be for one another, and pray that God will give us the strength to keep doing it when we don't want to, or think we can't go farther.
The Corps taught me a lot about going farther then you ever thought you possibly could. Turns out we can do the same thing emotionally.
How much do we really know about it? What are our thoughts on what it really entails?
When Robin and I were dating way back when, I never, NEVER, could have envisioned any of this. Then again, I didn't envision any of the ups and downs of our life until this point. I couldn't have imagined our children, the places we have lived and the people we had met.
I didn't realize that when we fought through everything, only to find this on the other side, that there we would also find the real meaning of love.
Love, when it comes to two people means many things. What it really means to me right now is as simple a thing as being there. Being there when it is hard. Being there and being strong when you don't want to be. Being there when all you really want to do is to shut life out, crawl back to your room and lock the door.
Love is being there watching someone sleep, just in case they might need you. Love is being there and holding their hand through everything, because that is the only thing you can do. There is nothing you can fight, there is nothing to kill, all you can do is to be the rock, be the physical thing to hold on to.
That's all we can do. Hold on and be strong. Be the best incarnation of perfect love we can be for one another, and pray that God will give us the strength to keep doing it when we don't want to, or think we can't go farther.
The Corps taught me a lot about going farther then you ever thought you possibly could. Turns out we can do the same thing emotionally.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Pain and Powerlessness
So today Robin had her hip replacement. Thirty years old is too young for many things, and a hip replacement is not the least of them. Nevertheless, here we are.
The surgery went as well as possible, which I'm thankful for, but once she was in the recovery room, the pain started. We had heard it would be bad, but we just wonder how much you can take in the end.
Sitting there, holding her hand while she writhed in pain was a place I didn't want to be at again, and it was a place that is becoming all too familiar.
It will get better over the next few days, though. It's hard to remember that in the here and now sometimes.
This too shall pass. And the outpouring of support and love and all the prayers has gotten us this far.
The surgery went as well as possible, which I'm thankful for, but once she was in the recovery room, the pain started. We had heard it would be bad, but we just wonder how much you can take in the end.
Sitting there, holding her hand while she writhed in pain was a place I didn't want to be at again, and it was a place that is becoming all too familiar.
It will get better over the next few days, though. It's hard to remember that in the here and now sometimes.
This too shall pass. And the outpouring of support and love and all the prayers has gotten us this far.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The last big day of our summer
Yesterday was the last big day of our summer. When we found out the results of the PET scan, and they started figuring out the plan from here on out, Robin decided we should take the kids to the beach. So we did.
And they loved it.
The trip down to Ocean City, NJ, was a little bit of a hike for a day trip, but we all love to travel.
And more importantly, we had a great time. The kids loved it, we loved it, and we are going back next year.
Some times, no matter what you're going through, you just have to put the breaks on, and spend a day at the beach.
There is just something about spending some time in the waves, feeling the sand between your toes. Smelling that salt air on the cool ocean breezes. I just wanted to pause life and stay...
The trip down to Ocean City, NJ, was a little bit of a hike for a day trip, but we all love to travel.
And more importantly, we had a great time. The kids loved it, we loved it, and we are going back next year.
Some times, no matter what you're going through, you just have to put the breaks on, and spend a day at the beach.
There is just something about spending some time in the waves, feeling the sand between your toes. Smelling that salt air on the cool ocean breezes. I just wanted to pause life and stay...
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