Day 6. Sorting Memories.

 Today, while I was out running errands, I felt I should go by our storage locker. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I stopped by. I sat down and started looking through all of our stuff. All our life together that we weren't currently using, and was kind of humbled that a lot of what we leave behind is just stuff. The chronicle of who we are can be boxed up and put in a room.

 So I sat down and looked. I found pictures from when we lived in California. Most of them were from a now Legendary Halloween party. I found some of Meghan's earliest days. I found pictures of us and the cats. We were so young, and so in love and that's all we wanted out of life.

 I found my book of poetry, and looked through it. Most of them were from high school and college. What a tortured young artist I was. Some of it is good, some of it not so. One of the last poems I wrote was to Robin. It seems my poetry stopped after I was happy.

 I also found one of Robin's journals from high school. It's funny the things you worry about when you are young. One thing she wrote struck me deeply. She wasn't worried about success or any other part of life. She just wanted us to be happy and together.

 I really think in our last two years together, we finally got it right. We truly enjoyed every moment. Even more so after she got sick.

 At the end of it all, every day we had, from all the way back to December 20th of 1996, every day was a blessing. Even the days when we were angry with each other, even the days we fought, they were all perfect. We fought for our love, and sorted our life out. It wasn't our idea to part.

 I can truthfully say we never stopped loving each other.

 Today was a better day. The grief hits at random moments. Putting away laundry. Driving. Making breakfast.

 I know this is going to hurt for a long time, but I promised Robin I would be strong. I will not lie down and curse God and die, though there was a time I wanted to. I will live, I will raise my children, because they are our legacy.

 I will live because I promised her I would.

 My only fear is I will live to be 100. It runs in my family, and that is too long to miss her.

All the Little Things

 Today was a middle of the road day. The good side was that Robin's pain seemed to be under control for the most part. The bad side was that she was asleep most of the day. She would wake up when you talked to her, but could barely focus for more than a few seconds.

 So I went for a run to clear my head. I actually spent most of it talking to God, asking why, asking if He will heal Robin, since I know He can, but I was just asking if He would. In the event that isn't his plan, I only ask for a few good days where I can talk to my best friend again. I'm still praying. My faith is what is getting me through this right now.

 I spent a lot of time thinking about little things that we used to do. Like going for walks, since that was the area I was running. It came to me, that the thing I'm going to miss the most is the little stuff. Going for walks with each other. Watching TV with each other, since there are only a few shows we like.

 Going to Wal-Mart, even if it used to stress me out.

 All those little things are the bread and butter of our relationships with one another. All the little talks, that you might think mean so little. The little things that are just the time you share with each other.

 I remember when we were stationed at Meade, and would usually come up here on the weekend. We used to spend all our time talking on the ride up and back. All those things seemed so trivial.

 To quote "The Crow", nothing is trivial.

 This one won't be a long post, since I just don't have it in me tonight.

The Girls at our Cabela's trip.

 If there is anything I can express to you, my constant readers, Hold your loved ones close every chance you get. Appreciate the time you have with each other, because whenever it ends, it won't be long enough.

A Cynic's Prayer

 This title was a little bit more prosey than I have tended to be in this blog, but it reflects how I've been feeling lately. Robin has been recovering pretty well from her hip replacement, at least until yesterday. Her other leg started hurting a lot, and now we have to wonder if the other tumor has grown to the point where it is causing problems in that leg too. I hope not.

 This brings us back around to the title. My only prayers lately have been: "Please God, heal Robin, and take away her pain." I don't think it's too much to ask, really. I'm not praying for wealth, or wisdom, or for my enemies to be defeated. I just want my wife to be well again. I want for us to be able to concentrate on getting ready for Meg starting middle school. I want to concentrate on Logan starting pre-school. I don't want to keep going over the scenario where I tell the kids that Mommy isn't coming home because she is with Jesus now.

 God I don't have it in me to do that. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd suck start a pistol at this point in my life. I just want Robin to ,at the very least, not be in pain anymore. Gone are the prayers of a job I truly enjoy, owning our own home, having any type of things... We are purely in survival mode. I am only praying for my wife not to die.

 I feel the worst for my mother-in-law and for my oldest daughter. For my mother in law, she is dealing with the one bright side in this for us. It isn't happening to one of our kids. For her, it's just that. Robin is her daughter, her baby, no matter what age she is.
 For Meg, my heart breaks because no soon-to-be fifth grade should have to deal with this. Her life should be decorating her locker, dealing with mean middle school girls and finding out that some boys are cute. Waking up wondering if mommy feels good enough to make her breakfast isn't part of the deal.

 I keep waking up every morning hoping one of two things: This is a dream, or I just didn't wake. The second one is purely selfish, because I am getting to the end of my rope. I realize the second one is me just raging, because I know I have to be here for my children, no matter what. Should it come to having to have a talk with them, I will find the reserves inside myself and do it, because they need me around. I don't want to, but life is a long string of doing things we don't want to do. It's duty, plain and simple.

I just pray it doesn't come to that.

 I keep praying. Even though it has become the definition of insanity right now: "Doing something over and over and expecting different results." I guess that is where sanity crosses over into faith, however tenuous it might be.

 Dear God,
 Take me instead of my wife. I am damaged goods anyway. My children need a mother more anyway. Mothers are the ones who really make things better. Mothers are the ones who kiss away boo-boos. Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of children. If you have decided you have to take one of us, because you, in you mysterious an unknowable ways, have to kill one of my children's parents, than take me. Heal my wife. I'm really trying not to be mad at you, but you have been kind of a dick lately. You have brought a lot of support our way through the love of others who have empathy to what we are going through. You have placed the burden on the hearts of many people to reach out to us. A lot of people are praying, right now, for you to heal Robin. What's the deal. I accept that sometimes you say no, because you have to. But that's bullshit, you're God. You said no to a lot of other prayers before. All I wan't is for my wife to pull through. you already took her boobs, her uterus her hip and left her with a patchwork of scars. It makes her more beautiful to me because her strength shines through, but damn you for the pain. I accept what is. Sometimes, Buddhists were onto something. I accept what is, where we are, and that you have some kind of plan. But please heal Robin. And if you can't do that, than take me in her place.
                                                                                                                -Amen

True Love

 So many times, we hear people talking about true love; True love conquers all, love is patient, love is kind.

 How much do we really know about it? What are our thoughts on what it really entails?

 When Robin and I were dating way back when, I never, NEVER, could have envisioned any of this. Then again, I didn't envision any of the ups and downs of our life until this point. I couldn't have imagined our children, the places we have lived and the people we had met.

 I didn't realize that when we fought through everything, only to find this on the other side, that there we would also find the real meaning of love.

 Love, when it comes to two people means many things. What it really means to me right now is as simple a thing as being there. Being there when it is hard. Being there and being strong when you don't want to be. Being there when all you really want to do is to shut life out, crawl back to your room and lock the door.

 Love is being there watching someone sleep, just in case they might need you. Love is being there and holding their hand through everything, because that is the only thing you can do. There is nothing you can fight, there is nothing to kill, all you can do is to be the rock, be the physical thing to hold on to.

 That's all we can do. Hold on and be strong. Be the best incarnation of perfect love we can be for one another, and pray that God will give us the strength to keep doing it when we don't want to, or think we can't go farther.

 The Corps taught me a lot about going farther then you ever thought you possibly could. Turns out we can do the same thing emotionally.