Thank You (1m5d)

 I have gotten to the point where I'm ready to sit down and start on my thank-you cards. I had started them several times before, but I never got very far. The emotions they brought up were just a little too much for me to sit there and go through them.

 Now, though, I think I'm ready. I'm at the point now where I am having a much easier time discussing things with people, and just talking about things, especially the Holidays is coming a lot easier.

 I think the scar tissue is growing, and I'm thankful for it. I still have moments. pretty much daily, but I accept them, let them happen and then move on.

 It's still the little things I miss most. The conversations, holding hands when we watch television, random hugs throughout the day. The little stuff like that. The one that usually gets the tears flowing is when something the kids do makes me laugh, and I want to tell her about it. Then I remember.

 All in all though, I think I'm doing well. I think the whole family is doing better. I've realized that I'm having a hard time reconciling things with God, mostly because it hurts that she had to suffer so much. I accepted that she was dying, so instead I prayed that she wouldn't suffer.

 But she did. It was the hardest thing I ever did to watch that and hold her hand and try to comfort her through it. In the end, I almost feel betrayed.

 I realize it's because I'm heartbroken. I wish she could have talked to me at the end. But that last day, all she could manage was: "I love you", "Amen", and a laugh. That still hurts, especially sine I miss talking with her pretty much more than anything.

 I'll get through it though. I still pray. I pray a lot. I'm not expecting answers, I'm just voicing my opinions and feelings. This too shall pass.

 The biggest thing I wanted to say today, hence the title, was thank you. I want to send out my heartfelt thanks for all the prayers and contributions and kind words of support. The biggest blessing through all this was the love that was shown to Robin, my family and I through all of this. That was the biggest impact.

 It is amazing, and humbling to have the amount of love poured out on us that we had. No thank you notes I can write will ever capture that, or even reach everyone who gave of themselves.

 So I figured saying thank you here, where so many of you discovered our struggle, is as good a start as any.

 Thank you all.

One Month Out

 So far I have been doing well with slowing down on posting. I ended up taking a bit of a break from my writing to focus on Christmas and whatnot with the holidays coming up. That has worked out pretty well. I feel like I decompressed a bit, and I think I'm ready to start work on some of my bigger projects.

 A month out. I can hardly believe it.

 As much as we think, in those moments of pain and loss, that we will never move past it, we do. We might not actively move forward for some time, but time keeps moving on. The wheel continues to grind forward, pushed ever on by enseen hands, and those sharp seeds are crumbled down as it passes over and over in it's travel.

 You wake up one day and find that you can start taking steps again. I've been back to work a little over a week now, and that's going well. It is restoring that sense of normalcy I'd been looking for for so long. It's funny, but the hardest part of my day is when I walk out to the car and check my phone.

 I find that I'm expecting to see a message from Robin, but it isn't there, it won't be there. It usually take a moment for everything to register, and it does. There is that pang of sadness, like the one I'm having while I write this, but I usually just take a deep breath, and finish what I was doing.

 I keep getting asked at work why I'm back so soon. I look at the calendar, and it was almost a month before I came back. I had been off almost a month before she died as well. I guess what I'm saying, is to me, it felt like a much longer time. Add to that the sense of guilty relief that comes when someone who has been sick for a while passes on, and to me it felt like a lot longer stretch of time. It felt as if months passed.

 You might ask what I mean by guilty relief, but I can't think of a better way to put it. Robin was sick for a year, and I had to watch her slowly die. At the end, she had lost so much, and I knew it was a relief for her. It was a relief for us as well. But you feel guilty. You feel guilty for feeling glad that it's over. But in the end, you start to get rid of that guilt, when you realize that it's alright to have that sense of relief. It was a long, hard, painful road, but you are at the end of it. Your loved one isn't with you at the finish line, as they have moved off to the winner's circle, so you don't have them to share those feelings with.

 I think you have to embrace that feeling, and it's hard to do that. We can embrace it because of Hope. We can rest on that Hope, because we know are loved ones are waiting for us with God, and someday we will join them.

 Any of you who know me, know that I feel that faith is a very personal thing. It is between you and God, however you feel about Him. He is on the other side of the equation waiting on you to make a choice. No one can do it for you. That is your personal Faith. My Faith, and my inner strength, and the strength from Robin and my family and friends is what has carried me through this. Emotionally, it has been, and will be a rollercoaster. My Faith has stayed strong, though. I may have had questions, and anger, and hurt; I still do, and I'm sure I will for some time. But I still have my faith.

 If I didn't, I know I wouldn't be here now, writing still. I'd rather be with her, away from the pain, but like one of my friends told me: "Your story isn't done yet. You still have shit to do."

 So here we are, a month out. How do I feel about it? I'm still sad, but the wounds are beginning to scar over. I have a life to continue with, and a story to keep writing.

 I have a Christmas to make spectacular for my children. And their smiles and hugs and "I love you's" make it easier to keep going.

Day 20. Working through it, thoughts, etc.

 You might have noticed that I've been slowing down a little bit with this blog. I guess it's because I'm speeding up back in life now. I've been working on sorting through our room, sorting her clothes, and going through pictures and stuff.

 I've started to feel that writing this blog daily is causing me to dwell on things more. So, I think I'll move to a freer updating schedule on this, and get back to updating my other blog. If I could find a way to condense everything into one blog, that would probably solve the problem.

 I have a hard time not compartmentalizing things.

 I think it's the natural evolution of things. I am moving through my grief. Not that you ever move through it completely. It's open ended and there is no time frame. You learn how to live with it. Live in spite of it. It's a part of you, but instead of indulging it, you let the flare ups pass like smoke in a breeze.

 Like the rest of life, it is a dynamic process. It changes.

 So, I'm not sure where the road heads, but I have to look forward. I'll still always look back to remember, but the way lies ahead.

Day 17. Where to go from here.

 So yesterday was one of those days. Most of the day was decent, but like one of my friends told me a few weeks ago, it gets easier, but you have those moments that ambush you. I had a few of those, and they mostly come when I think about the future and everything we strove for.

 I'm glad we didn't put off a lot of things. I'm especially glad we took that day and went to the beach. I was looking at the pictures from that day again and remembering. It was one of the last really good days.

 Now, I'm looking at the good days that will come in the future. I don't know what it holds. What I do know is that I have my kids, and we will forge the path together.

 I'm gonna get my bike this spring. No sense putting it off. The kids and I are going to see more movies and do more cool things whenever we get the chance.

 This week I'm going to start going through Robin's clothes. That will be tough, but she was never one to hold on to things. We watched too many episodes of Hoarders. The things have memories attached to them, but the things aren't what is special. The memories are special. The memories will remain.

 When my new computer gets here, I'll have enough memory to put all the pictures back onto it, so I can start working through all of them. That will be an open ended process. Luckily, we took a lot of pictures during our life, so I will have a lot of things to save for the kids.

 So the memories will always be there. Now we start making some new memories.

Day 16. Metal Therapy

 So last night, I went with my buddy Jon to the Five Finger Death Punch show. Which is also why I'm posting it this morning as opposed to last night. I wan't sure if I was going to go to the show after Robin died. That took a lot of internal struggle for me to decide what I was going to do. In the end, i obviously decided to go, and I'm glad I did.

 Robin always liked concerts, and whenever I commented that there was a band I liked coming by, she always told me to get tickets. I wish we had gone to more concerts together. So I decided to go to the concert. I don't think that not doing things because of grief helps us move through it. I think it's ok to avoid certain things that might cause you too much grief to enjoy, or you might ruin it for everyone.

 I feel we all get to a point where you have to make the choice to actively live again. Going back to work, doing those things you enjoy doing. Doing those things you enjoyed together. Don't let grief become your excuse not to live.

 I missed Robin during the show, I know she would have thought it was too loud anyway, but I still missed her being there. It was an awesome show, and I'm glad I went.

Day 15. Figuring out the new normal

 So today I took the kids out to the movies. With Morgan being so little, it's always up in the air how it will go, but Muppets do a good job of keeping children entertained. And adults for that matter.

 We had a great time. It is still strange realizing that it is just the four of us now, but we enjoyed having the time together. I made me sad Robin wasn't there for Morgan's first movie, though I think she was watching us.

 I guess that is the thing about healing. You have to start living again, doing the things you like to do and trying your best to enjoy it again. It makes it easier for me, since I have my kids, and they were the real joy of our life together, so when I'm spending time with them, I see Robin in all of them.

 I know time won't heal it, but at least it will all scar over. The little ambushes of grief, I can really compare to moving too much with a fresh wound, and it opens up again. Eventually, it'll get better, but it'll hurt for a long time. It won't ever be perfect again, but the scar will be tougher and thicker than your old skin.

 So there's that.

Day 14. Thanksgiving Makes Two Weeks

 So, for the first holiday without Robin, and the two week mark at the same time, it wasn't terrible, all things considered.
 We opted for a smaller, immediate family meal instead of the huge meal her family usually does, and it was nice. It was quiet. Her absence was noted though. I found myself doing all the talking, and I missed her complimenting her mom and dad on how wonderful the food was.
 I took up some of the slack there, as did everyone else, but it wasn't the same. She was always so quick with a compliment, or words of encouragement. That's just how her spirit was.
 All in all, though, we enjoyed the day. We shared a good meal, had good memories, and enjoyed what we had. We still have much to be thankful for, and it is important to remember that.

 What I'm most thankful for, as I said yesterday, is that Robin is not in pain anymore. That in the reality, and the true horror of cancer. Watching your loved on suffer, waste away and then die.

 She had said toward the end that she was just so tired of the pain. That is the true joy of my heart that that part is over.

 Now I just have to start gearing up for Christmas, which was always her favorite holiday. She always loved giving gifts, and making people happy, so I think I'll enjoy carrying that on. I have to do all the shopping myself, but hey, I have to do a lot of things myself now.

 I'll figure it out as I go. It got me this far.