Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Two Months

 As of today, it has been two months. I realize, in my head, that she's gone, but it feel like every day my heart figures it out anew.

 I think sometimes, that the reason it goes like that is to protect our sanity. The things our brains can't process, it just kind of glosses over. When you try to think about it, your brain just kind of stops.

 It think it is a lot like what Lovecraft described. That some things, the human mind can't deal with, so it either breaks, or shuts the idea out.

 As far as the day to day things, life has fallen back into a more 'normal' rhythm. I'm working out again, the kids are all back to their routines.

 I just keep thinking eventually it will get better.

 I keep hoping for a text from beyond the veil. Or a voice.

 I'm not holding my breath though.

 I miss you honey.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year


 What to say about this year.

 This was the hardest year of my life so far. We started it out full of hope, and by the end, all that hope was gone.
 We started it as a family of five, a dog and three cats. Now, it's just me, the kids and the cats.

 Losing Robin, and losing Lily right before that was a huge soulcrushing blow.

 Now, the pieces are mostly picked up, and things are starting to get back to normal. I have to say I'm glad the holidays are over now. Thanksgiving was a wash. Christmas was good, but tough emotionally.

 Last night was more difficult than I expected it to be.

 Meg wanted to stay up until midnight, and she did well there. She was, surprisingly, in a good mood the whole evening. Logan passed out in a chair around 10, and Morgan went to bed at 8:30 like she usually does.
 After the kids were all in bed, the realization crept in that I was starting this new year alone. Not alone alone, but without Robin. When I talk to her pictures, and meditate deep in my memories, it's almost like she isn't gone, just not here presently.

 Last night I felt alone. Facing a brand new year as a single father is intimidating. We had been a team for so long, and it's shitty to think about a whole year of good and bad that I don't get to share with her. I thought about everything we shared this past year. The parts where we really lived, where we took hold of live with both hands and lived it hard were really good. Those memories overshadow the sickness. I wish we had done the whole year like that, but when you are holding on to hope, you expect it will end well.

So we have a new year, fresh off of the bad end of last year. All I can do is try as hard as I can to make it not suck. It's already starting out better than last year, because we have already hit that low point. Every day since then has been steadily better.

 So, with that in mind, I kissed all my children. I said my prayers over them, and went to bed.

 I don't know what this year will bring. But life is going to get what i'm going to give it this year, no matter what it does bring.