Monday, January 31, 2011

The Aftermath

 Sorry it has been a while since an update, but I just didn't feel like writing lately.

 The surgery day was rough, as it was a long surgery, but we made it through. The hardest part for me was walking in once Robin was awake, dealing with a less than stellar nurse and having to deal with the sudden change.
  You have those days when you realize that everything is going to be different. This was one of those. Having children and horrific injuries will both change your life permanently, albeit in different ways.
 It was a few days of suffering at the hospital, but then Robin got to come home.

 The most difficult thing in this whole process is not actually being able to help with anything. As a husband, you get used to being able to influence things, and protect your family.

 With Cancer, it isn't an option. I have to watch my wife suffer, physically and mentally, and there isn't anything I can really do about it.

 But, to quote from 'The Life of Brian', we are trying to look on the bright side of life. It could have been one of the kids.

There's that at least.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

it's about that time

This morning brings us sitting here at the house, waiting to go to the Hospital. All in all, I think we are both numb at this point. More than anything, it is that feeling of resigned acceptance of how it has to be.

 Because it is better than the other option. At least, though, from what everyone has said, the Surgeon that Robin has is nigh godlike in his abilities. They said he waves his hand, and the next you look he is holding lymph nodes.

 But, this is one of those days that I can't comprehend 'after'. These days come and go, but they always accompany your life changing events. And it is just hard to wrap your mind around your life afterwards.

 So here we go, still relatively bitter about being here in the first place, but at least we are moving towards healing...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Beginning the healing

 Sorry for the lack of posts lately,
 I don't really have an excuse.

 We are a few days out from Robin's mastectomy now, but in a strange way,
it is kind of a good feeling. Not that the result you want from something is to have
a part of yourself removed, as that is a terrible outcome, but it is better than death.

 So, in the scheme of things, maiming is better than dead.

 At least reconstruction works out pretty well these days.

 That brings up an interesting series of thoughts. Most people don't even really
want to talk about reconstruction, because many people don't want to talk about
breasts. If the woman talks about wanting her breasts back after a mastectomy,
she is vain.

 Hell's Bells if the man talks about it... But, it is a valid thought. A woman's breasts
are part of her identity. I imagine it would be somewhat like cutting off my nose. I
could have it rebuilt, but I wouldn't ever see me in the mirror.

 We will get through this together, though. The surgery will happen, and, happily, they said the
recovery isn't that bad.

 They will cut out the cancer, and the healing will begin.

Monday, January 3, 2011


 Well, the tumor hasn't shrunk at all. In fact, it grew slightly. Good thing, by looking on the internet, we discovered that most doctors go to surgery first. Too bad ours didn't. Also, it turns out that lymph nodes don't usually indicate in this cancer. It just decides to show up.

 So now we hope and pray, for all that will do. Maybe then, God will heal my wife, for His glory. She will be disfigured, and have gone through unimaginable suffering, but hey, it's how it goes.

 I have made it a point to praise God during every low point in my life, because I was trying to be truly thankful for everything. Even when I lost my job contracting, because I told the truth all day long, but they didn't like my polygraph results. I hated that job anyway.

 Then I was like, "hey, I didn't get that job so I could be here to be with Robin through all of this," and that gave me some comfort. Until this morning anyway, when we realized there was a good chance for this to go badly. But then again, going well at this point is a double mastectomy.

 Of course, another way for this to work out would be Robin not having cancer at all. That would have worked too.

 I guess the feeling that I'm left with is that God smiting Robin for His glory is His option, because He is God. But it is a shitty thing to do. In Job, we learned that sometimes God gives people strife, so they will come closer to Him.

 I don't hit my children so they will love me more. I don't hit them so they will love me more when I stop.

Too bad God didn't decide to give the cancer that all the good people out there are suffering with to my inmates. I would pull a John Coffey and take it, and then pass it out to my inmates.

 Life just isn't fair. Because it just isn't.

 So I will still try to pray, even though I am angry and I don't expect any outcome better than pain and suffering.

 Oh, and my first pet died today, so that helped too. But he was old and at least he isn't suffering anymore.

But I will pray.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Crossroads and Resolutions

 Tomorrow is Robin's fourth round of Chemo. It may or may not have an effect. The next course may or may not have an effect. Luckily, her normal oncologist won't be there, and we will be seeing one of the PA's. Hrm.

 The surgeon had said he wanted to consult with the other doctors for a while to determine the next step, but we don't really like the time that is elapsing without hearing things. We think it is probably time to move forward.

 I don't see the point in trying to decide, especially since one of the oncologists told us that Robin wouldn't make it through this without at least a mastectomy. Maybe now is the time to move ahead and get a step closer towards healing.

 Especially since it's my wife that is hanging in the balance here, and I don't have it in me to tell my kids their mom isn't coming home. I always accepted that with being in the Marines, and with my current job I might not come home some day, but that's part of the job.

 It isn't part of the deal for Robin. Moms aren't supposed to get this end of the deal. So I think we will be asking to look at surgery sooner rather than later...