Friday, September 9, 2011

I Can't See the Future, It's Foggy...

 So Robin started her whole head radiation today, and should be starting the Chemo running concurrently with it next week. That means more pain for her. That means more pain for the rest of us who have to watch her go through this. I keep praying that if she isn't going to make it through this, God will just take her home so she doesn't have to suffer anymore.

 This went from breast cancer to breast/bone/lung cancer to breast/bone/lung/brain cancer. It seems every time we accept this, and start suffering gracefully and moving forward well, and really trusting God, every time we make a little progress, it gets worse. I'm afraid to try to let go again, but I'm trying.

 She's still here suffering, so maybe that is a good sign.

 I think the fatigue of all of this is catching up with us. Everyone is on a hair trigger, and tempers are flaring. We are all trying to keep it together, but I guess some days you just have to breakdown so you can pick it all up again.

 I know for myself, I have to keep the real situation tucked away deep inside so I can get through the day without breaking down. I think that's why the little things get to me so much.

 We moved some furniture around tonight, and I ended up being pretty grumbly when it was all said and done, and it all led to a fight. We fell apart, but we picked it up again and put it all back together.

 The reality of it is I am scared shitless of losing my wife. I am scared of having to be a single parent when I am woefully unprepared. I'm terrified of a future that I can't see. I'm terrified that it is in the cards for me to be a single parent, and for my kids to only have a mom for part of their life. What then? How the hell do I get past that?

 God, we could use that miracle now.

1 comment:

  1. .... And that is all I am asking for. I am so sorry. Only I don't know what the Hell to say. Except I think of you guys, Robin; My friend. You; My Friend. Everyday.
    I am praying for a miracle.

    Please tell her I Love her, my friend.