Wednesday, December 8, 2010

en serio

 We are on the eve of Robin's next round of chemo, and I think it is really starting to sink in what we are going through. I have also realized that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around potential outcomes. I just don't find myself capable, so I am just going to put it in the back, in the dark and hide it.

 Someone told us to get ready for the next round, because those are the ones that really hit you hard. Awesome. I love advice like that. Unfortunately, there is no other way around it. So, we just get ready and work through it.

 I wish she had other options. I hate going to bed knowing that tomorrow my wife will be pumped full of another bag and vial of stuff that will cause widespread cellular destruction. I hate the fact that we had to start to talk about reconstruction tonight.
 I hate all that she is going through right now, and that there isn't a hell of a lot I can do to make it better. It pretty much all feels like it isn't enough at the end of the day. I just feel kind of helpless.

 I hate it when people remind you it is all part of God's plan. That is really the least helpful thing right now. Hey God, thanks for giving my wife cancer. That's a great plan. There are approximately 1400 people I can think of who deserve it more than her, but she is the one dealing with it now. Even though I am angry with God, I still pray. And I think the great thing is that I can tell God I'm not happy.
 I imagine it is like when Logan tells me in his three-year-old voice that he isn't happy about something. But he tells me, and I listen. So we will just see how it comes out in the end, I guess.

Also, In other news, Elizabeth Edwards died today from breast cancer that spread to her bones. But her PoS ex-husband is still alive, more's the pity. I hope his dreams haunt him the rest of his days.

In other-other news, I started working out again so I can start working up to 5K's again next October, and it hurts.

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