Monday, January 3, 2011


 Well, the tumor hasn't shrunk at all. In fact, it grew slightly. Good thing, by looking on the internet, we discovered that most doctors go to surgery first. Too bad ours didn't. Also, it turns out that lymph nodes don't usually indicate in this cancer. It just decides to show up.

 So now we hope and pray, for all that will do. Maybe then, God will heal my wife, for His glory. She will be disfigured, and have gone through unimaginable suffering, but hey, it's how it goes.

 I have made it a point to praise God during every low point in my life, because I was trying to be truly thankful for everything. Even when I lost my job contracting, because I told the truth all day long, but they didn't like my polygraph results. I hated that job anyway.

 Then I was like, "hey, I didn't get that job so I could be here to be with Robin through all of this," and that gave me some comfort. Until this morning anyway, when we realized there was a good chance for this to go badly. But then again, going well at this point is a double mastectomy.

 Of course, another way for this to work out would be Robin not having cancer at all. That would have worked too.

 I guess the feeling that I'm left with is that God smiting Robin for His glory is His option, because He is God. But it is a shitty thing to do. In Job, we learned that sometimes God gives people strife, so they will come closer to Him.

 I don't hit my children so they will love me more. I don't hit them so they will love me more when I stop.

Too bad God didn't decide to give the cancer that all the good people out there are suffering with to my inmates. I would pull a John Coffey and take it, and then pass it out to my inmates.

 Life just isn't fair. Because it just isn't.

 So I will still try to pray, even though I am angry and I don't expect any outcome better than pain and suffering.

 Oh, and my first pet died today, so that helped too. But he was old and at least he isn't suffering anymore.

But I will pray.

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