Thursday, July 7, 2011


 So the results from Robin's PET scan came back. The nodes in both lungs, and two we didn't know about, both on either side of her pelvis are showing up as more cancer. Not really sure how to deal with all this. We were so hopeful that this would turn out to be our miracle. That this would be the point where it would turn around and we would be headed toward recovery.

 So it is a bit of a setback. We are now waiting on the Doctors to figure out a plan on where to go from here. The good in this is that the bone metastases tend to respond well to radiation. The lung metastases respond well to chemo. So, looks like more of the same. It's just now she is officially terminal going through this.

 That is some shit isn't it? Terminal cancer at 30. Though, every day kids out there are dying with terminal cancer just because.

 I know I haven't talked a lot about faith in this blog, and that's because it is something I am having a harder time talking about. I pray. I pray a lot. I prayed that the lump would turn out to be just a cyst, or some scar tissue. Nope, cancer. I prayed the chemo would work and the cancer would shrink. Nope, cancer grew. I prayed that the mastectomy would go as well as it possibly could. That one, I guess we got. It went as well as getting your breasts cut off possibly could, but we did get the bombshell of the positive pregnancy test; which they assured us would have to be terminated, since the chemo would have messed up a fetus to an extreme degree.

 Luckily, she wasn't actually pregnant, it was just weird hormones being given off by the chemo, or some random other occurrence. But, for a few hours we thought we were being forced into an abortion. So, that went as well as it could. Then we had the hysterectomy. I prayed that would go well. Nope, Robin had five days in the hospital with a perforated bowel.

 Then, Robin got to be one of the lucky ones to react poorly to Taxol. Horrific muscle pain, plus horrific bone pain from the Neulasta. I spent nights praying that the pain would just leave her. It didn't.

 Next we were supposed to move on to radiation, but during the mapping scan, they noticed some nodules in her lungs that seemed weird. Hmm, if we had had a PET scan months ago, it probably would have shown up, but "the scan won't show anything that we wouldn't notice first by symptoms." So, since we hadn't had a PET scan yet, we had one the other day, during which I prayed that the nodules would be gone and that we would get our blessing. I mean we had tons of people praying with us for the same thing, right? God said he would be with us if we all prayed in one accord, right? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe He'll say no, just because. Maybe part of his plan is letting her suffer. Maybe he has more glory to come to him through that. Maybe there is glory to be had in suffering.

 Then again, if I wanted a god to randomly mess with my life for fun, I would have worshiped the Greek gods.    
Hell, I'd worship the Norse pantheon. Valhalla is a way better option for me. I'd fit in there.

 We had prayers answered before, mostly with no, but now I understand why. If I had gotten the Intel jobs that I was a shoe-in for, I wouldn't have been here through all this most likely. We probably would have been someplace else. Hell, If I had reenlisted in the Marines again, I might have been overseas. So, at least it makes sense why we are here.

 All of this, though, I can't wrap my head around. But it is our life, and we have to get through it. Now I just pray that I don't have a day where I have to tell my kids Mommy isn't coming home. I can't do that.

 I was prepared for the possibility of not coming home when I was in Afghanistan. It is part of the deal. When I found myself in a minefield, I accepted that as part of the job. Working at the prison, I accept the possibility that something could happen at any given time. With the jobs I have had, it's just part of it.

 I can't accept that God wants to take my wife from me. That he wants to take my children's mother from them.

 On the plus side, I turned my rage inside and went for a run. It felt good.


  1. Aaron... We (Bena and some of the girls) met with Dr. Smider a researcher for MBC here in San Diego and he stated that MD Anderson is the only cancer treatment center in the United States at the present time doing trials for MBC. (Dr. Susan Holtz mentioned this to Robin on FB/she too is struggling with MBC.) I think it is worth looking into or at the least have your doctors call down there. Let me know if I need to research more info on this so that you can have phone numbers to call. I think Bena Roberts has Dr. Smiders phone number. Dr. Smider is doing research on MBC because he lost his wife to it about 5 years ago. He is completely committed to finding a cure and is incredibly knowledgeable in his field. There are treatments being developed to stop this disease. Please keep strong in light of what is going on. My husband took up running when I was diagnosed last year. Today he runs 10 miles 4 to 5 times a week and has lost a lot of weight... We are still struggling with the side effects from the chemo and radiation but more importantly we are strongly praying that God will shine a light on your family and allow Robin to stay with us for many years ahead. Love you lots from afar.. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Grace Ontiveros from MBC group on Facebook...

  2. Hey Aaron. I have been reading your blog for some time and wanted to tell you that I think about you and your wife and hope that you can pull through another storm. We didn't know each other super well at DLI and then went different paths, but always liked you and can't remember if I met Robin, but it doesn't matter. You are pouring out some really personal writing and I admire the courage to do so, I hope you feel some release and relief by doing so, I can't imagine what you are going through at the moment and how you feel. I really hope that who ever you pray to will listen and give you strength, hope and that light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope that the two of you get through this, it tears me up having read through your blog and everything that you've went through... what can I say?

    I am in Poland and there is little I can offer, but if there is ever anything that you need, some email support or hell, if you want to ring me on skype or something, I am here.

    P.S. - Bring the bike and leathers to Valhalla. Thor will dig them.