So the results from Robin's PET scan came back. The nodes in both lungs, and two we didn't know about, both on either side of her pelvis are showing up as more cancer. Not really sure how to deal with all this. We were so hopeful that this would turn out to be our miracle. That this would be the point where it would turn around and we would be headed toward recovery.
So it is a bit of a setback. We are now waiting on the Doctors to figure out a plan on where to go from here. The good in this is that the bone metastases tend to respond well to radiation. The lung metastases respond well to chemo. So, looks like more of the same. It's just now she is officially terminal going through this.
That is some shit isn't it? Terminal cancer at 30. Though, every day kids out there are dying with terminal cancer just because.
I know I haven't talked a lot about faith in this blog, and that's because it is something I am having a harder time talking about. I pray. I pray a lot. I prayed that the lump would turn out to be just a cyst, or some scar tissue. Nope, cancer. I prayed the chemo would work and the cancer would shrink. Nope, cancer grew. I prayed that the mastectomy would go as well as it possibly could. That one, I guess we got. It went as well as getting your breasts cut off possibly could, but we did get the bombshell of the positive pregnancy test; which they assured us would have to be terminated, since the chemo would have messed up a fetus to an extreme degree.
Luckily, she wasn't actually pregnant, it was just weird hormones being given off by the chemo, or some random other occurrence. But, for a few hours we thought we were being forced into an abortion. So, that went as well as it could. Then we had the hysterectomy. I prayed that would go well. Nope, Robin had five days in the hospital with a perforated bowel.
Then, Robin got to be one of the lucky ones to react poorly to Taxol. Horrific muscle pain, plus horrific bone pain from the Neulasta. I spent nights praying that the pain would just leave her. It didn't.
Next we were supposed to move on to radiation, but during the mapping scan, they noticed some nodules in her lungs that seemed weird. Hmm, if we had had a PET scan months ago, it probably would have shown up, but "the scan won't show anything that we wouldn't notice first by symptoms." So, since we hadn't had a PET scan yet, we had one the other day, during which I prayed that the nodules would be gone and that we would get our blessing. I mean we had tons of people praying with us for the same thing, right? God said he would be with us if we all prayed in one accord, right? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe He'll say no, just because. Maybe part of his plan is letting her suffer. Maybe he has more glory to come to him through that. Maybe there is glory to be had in suffering.
Then again, if I wanted a god to randomly mess with my life for fun, I would have worshiped the Greek gods.
Hell, I'd worship the Norse pantheon. Valhalla is a way better option for me. I'd fit in there.
We had prayers answered before, mostly with no, but now I understand why. If I had gotten the Intel jobs that I was a shoe-in for, I wouldn't have been here through all this most likely. We probably would have been someplace else. Hell, If I had reenlisted in the Marines again, I might have been overseas. So, at least it makes sense why we are here.
All of this, though, I can't wrap my head around. But it is our life, and we have to get through it. Now I just pray that I don't have a day where I have to tell my kids Mommy isn't coming home. I can't do that.
I was prepared for the possibility of not coming home when I was in Afghanistan. It is part of the deal. When I found myself in a minefield, I accepted that as part of the job. Working at the prison, I accept the possibility that something could happen at any given time. With the jobs I have had, it's just part of it.
I can't accept that God wants to take my wife from me. That he wants to take my children's mother from them.
On the plus side, I turned my rage inside and went for a run. It felt good.